Miss Piggy on the loose!

Appearing once more on British television, the fabulously dynamic Miss Piggy returned for an interview on Loose Women, and what a come back! Appearing in a ruby-red jacket with faux-fur collar and red-gloves, Miss Piggy stole the show as the 'ladies' asked her advice on a variety of issues.

Miss Piggy made the easy decision to call all the presenters Ginger to save herself the difficulty of remembering their names...allow us to do the same.

Ginger 1: "Miss Piggy!"
Piggy: "Kissy Kisssy! Oh thank you, thank you."
Ginger 1: "Obviously you are the biggest celebrity we have ever had on this show."
Piggy: "Obviously."
Ginger 2: "Goes without saying."
Piggy: "Goes without saying. I must say, this is my first time meeting all of you and, um, I'm just...I'm just not going to get your names straight, ok? I'm apologising up front
I've decided to call you all Ginger. Ok? I hope you're ok with that."
Ginger 1: "Listen, on the Muppet show you had amazing celebrities."
Piggy: *interrupting* "Yes, Ginger?"
Ginger 2: "Do you have a favorite?"
Piggy: "Oh, we did, we did. Oh, we had so many. John Cleese and Julie Andrews and Elton John, oh, Rudolf Nerov...yes."
Ginger 3: "The ballet dancer?"
Piggy: "What a DREAMBOAT he was. Oh yeah. We shared a scene. In a sauna. And boy was it HOT. Oh, let me tell YOU."
Ginger 1: "Listen, just tell us, how've you managed to stay at the top of your game for so long?"
Piggy: "Ooh, well, you know...I don't...I think my secret really lies is to work with genius."
Ginger 4: "Oh, like now?"
Piggy: "Don't let that get to your head. No, I'm talking about KERMIT! Kermit! Kermit is truly a genius, after all, he discovered moi. Ahh-heh-heh-ha!"
Ginger 1: "Oh, yeah, now speaking of kermit, you've been together for many years now. is there any sign of a wedding?"
Piggy: "A really BIG sign, actually. Right outside his window. it says "Marry me NOW."-or else."
Ginger 1: "Well, Miss piggy I'm...I don't know how to say--"
Piggy: "How'd you do it?"
Ginger 2: "Exactly that way, actually. Marry me or else."
Piggy: "Oh, will it work for moi?"
Ginger 2: "It will."
Ginger 1: "Well, you see, the thing is I don't know how to break this to you, because I have a little bitsy confession to make regarding your beloved Kermit."
Piggy: "You mean?"
Ginger 1: "Take a look at this."
Cut to a few years past, where Ginger 1 is interviewing Kermit outside of Muppet Vision 3D.
Ginger1: "You're going to the premier tonight?"
Kermit: "I am."
Ginger1: "And...is Miss Piggy going with you?"
Kermit: "Well...er...*looking around...snuggles closer, touches her arm* No. She's not. *clears throat*"
Ginger 1: "Do you...do you have, have a date?"
Kermit: *whistles to self* Not really. I er...have a spare ticket."
Ginger 1: "Well, I'm...available."
Kermit: "You are?"
Ginger 1: "For...tonight."
Kermit: "For the...er...for the...*distracted by rubbing her arm* I love your jacket. Is that made of...Pig leather?"
Ginger 1: "Yes."
Kermit: *tries not to laugh*
Cut to a little later when Kermit and Ginger 1 share a brief kiss.
CUT BACK TO PIGGY
Piggy: "WHAT? What...um...which Ginger was that???"
Ginger 1: "It meant nothing."
Ginger 2: "This Ginger."
Piggy: "That was you??? That was YOU? Yeah, they've changed your hair. That's a good idea."
Ginger 1: "What do you-yeah, listen, I have to ask your advice about the hair. You're a woman with beautiful long blonde locks."
Piggy: "Yes."
Ginger 1: "It's your, sort of, your signature look isn't it."
Piggy: "Yes it is. *flips hair*"
Ginger 1: "As a woman myself with long blonde hair do you think there's a certain cut off point, you know,when you go over the forty mark, is it still ok to have long blonde hair?"
Piggy: "Forty? Ahheheh. Dear, I'm in my early twenties. I have no idea about over forty but um...since you asked, let me look at you. I think its perfect."
Ginger 2: "Aww..."
Piggy: "I have that same style sitting on a table in my dressing room. It's very nice but STAY AWAY FROM MY FROG!"
Ginger 1: *hands up* Just good friends!"
Ginger 3:"Can I just butt in with my dilemma before there's a little...punch up...um..."
Piggy: "Yes Ginger?"
Ginger 3: "I'm thinking of going into stand up comedy. Now can you give me some advice on putting down the hecklers? What's a killer line to put down any hecklers?"
Piggy: "Hecklers...hecklers...You know, um, I'm not really a stand up. I'm more in the tradition of *not sure* No. But, um, I'd say give them a good karate chop!"
Ginger 3: "Okay."
Piggy: "I'd say that'll shut em up."
Ginger 3: "Thank you very much."
Piggy: "I try."
Ginger 4: "Look, you need to help me as well because, um, I like a pint. I like to go down the pub with my blokey mates."
Piggy: "*looking her up and down disdainfully* You're kidding."
Ginger 4: "Do you think...do you honestly think I should be a bit more ladylike?"
Piggy: "No...I think you're perfect JUST the way you are. Yes, yes, you're my kind of woman."
Ginger 3: "Awww..."
Piggy: "But, if you wanna get asked out...by men..."
Ginger 4: "Well, I kind of do."
Piggy: "Yeah, you might want to at least pretend to be a little more ladylike."
Ginger 4: *abashed*/*making faces at Piggy when her back is turned*
Piggy: "Listen, I know its lying! I know it's a little bit like lying but, they're men. It's ok."
Ginger 4: "Ok, I'll try."
Ginger 1: "Listen, Miss Piggy, thank you so much for taking time out of your...global schedule to come and spend some time with us I know that the DVD is out, right?
Piggy: "Yes, yeah. Season 2, or series two...that sprits it up."
Ginger 1: "Are we going to have another series of the Muppets? Or are you too busy with the other aspects of your career and your love life to bother with that now?"
Piggy: "Well, well, my love life is very busy. But...no...um, maybe. Maybe someday. Something, sometime soon. You know, it's all top secret right now. Hush hush."
Ginger 1: "Thank you SO much, Miss Piggy everybody!"
Piggy: "Thank yoou!"

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting...skiing lessons?

As unlikely as it may seem, Christmas is almost upon us (57 days?) and with this knowledge comes the panic attacks, the palpitations, and the blissful joy that is remembering to buy presents, seeking them out, and, finally, giving up and drinking hot chocolate instead by a roaring fire with a lady pig by your side...in a log cabin...far up in the woods...with the snow swishing past the windows...and the flames cracking...and a blanket...Oookay, it's possible I'm drifting off topic. *ahem*

What to get, is the question -- a questions that can be swiftly answered in a five-page alphabetized list from Miss Piggy, summoned from her filing cabinet of lists, letters, sticks of candy cane and coal -- although it can also be answered more simply, by reminding the reader that what they peruse and purchase must have a purpose.

If you have seen your loved one hanging around the make-up stand at the local drug-store for a suspicious amount of time, then one choice is obvious: Under no circumstances buy her make-up, skin-care-treatment, strawberry and chocolate mud-packs, or spray-on-tan. If she has taken the time to loiter, she obviously cares very specifically for what she intends to buy, face-dressing-wise, therefore no matter what you pick out, it will not be the perfect thing for her.

Instead, what you buy must be well thought out and planned, purposed especially for her...What does she love? What are her hobbies? What movie left her in tears for hours (or days)? What makes her laugh? Does she like rings engraved with the words "Marry Me"? What is her favorite meal? Does she like chocolates with soft centres? Does she gaze hauntingly at that necklace with the emerald clasp? Does she hanker after a set of hankerchiefs with the little rose buds? Does she want to pick out the wedding china? What is her favorite shape? Who are her favorite singers? Has she mentioned a favotire author? Does she hope for a villa in Spain? Can you afford all these things?

Naturally, your answer is either:
a. Not really.
b. Heavens no!
c. *gulp*
or d. *runs away screaming*

(If you answered 'Yes' to buying all these things, then please send me your name and address so that I can make sure Miss Piggy never introduces herself to you.)

If you gulped or ran away, return! All is not lost. Here's what you do...

Find a gift-box in a mistletoe green, or a holly-berry (Halle Berry?) red. Be sure the box is large -- we're taking Elisa Doolittle's hat-box large. Now, fill said box with shredded tissue-paper in a variety of colours (or stick with the red/green theme), add some paper-roses if you have time to create them, or cut some rose-petals from red paper. Right. When the box is half filled, you are ready to begin with the filling.

First, chocolates. Find a variety-box of her favorites, wrap, and place amidst the bedding of paper. Next, something cute -- a toy puppy, a fluffy pillow, fluffy-dice, a stuffed snowman, something she will like and go "Awwww!" at. Add this to the box without wrapping. Find a dvd or book, or both, that she will simply adore -- alternately, buy Before You Leap and a Muppet Christmas Carol from any bargain bin -- wrap and add to the box. If she likes earrings, buy her a pair. She will love them, and she will look fantastic with them, so you both win. Wrap, add to box. Find something that matches her hobbies -- if she paints, something arty, if she sews, something sewy, if she shops...a gift voucher! Wrap and add.

Drop a note into the box. Something cute without being clingy. Something you wouldn't mind her reading in front of you.

Get a photo-frame (you can get these at unexuperant prices) then print or find a photo she adores -- of yourself, or the two of you, or Prince William -- wrap and add. Throw in a bag of marshmallows, a set of wooden-skewers, and a bar of chocolate...this can be fondued later over an open fire, or gas-flame. Gloves or a scarf can be acquired and added if (and only IF) you know she will love and wear them. Don't wrap these, rather tie them with a loose bow and drop into the top of the box. Get a CD she will enjoy -- again, it doesn't have to be the latest, newest, most expensive CD, just one that she will love. Wrap and add. You can listen to it later while you fondue.

Finally, sprinkle over the gifts with more shredded paper, silver or gold confetti, and some wrapped-sweets such as toffees, or strawberry chocolates. Close the lid of the box and wrap. place under the Christmas tree, then position a few carefully chosen small presents on top -- such as a book or dvd (whichever one you didn't put in the box), novelty-socks, or that singing-Christmas-tree that the two of you hate so much you love it. The plan is, she'll open these first and be surprised...then when she comes to the box she'll melt at the planning, time effort, and thought that has gone into every gift you've acquired for her.

Now your only problem will be if she reads this post before you do, because you'll have a lot to live up to!

Alternantly...bake some ginger-bread and decorate as Piggy and Kermit. That should work. Yeah...that might be easier actually.

Ditto that...

Beth Ditto -- singer, writer, and comunist whose punk band Gossip is (says the Independant) "on the verge of completing a rags-to-riches journey to the dizzy heights of global stardom," -- recently admitted in an interview with Advocate Magazine that she concidered Miss Piggy to be her very stylish inspiration.

"I love fashion," Ms Ditto says, "but it's just not fair. Here's the deal: fashion should be for everyone...Fashion is one thing – I love style. Those are two different things. Fashion is a product that can be bought and sold and is made for you, and style is something that you get up and you do it to yourself every morning. Fashion is a product, but style is a way of life. You can't buy style, it's an instinct."

"Black eyeliner," she states, "is amazing -- anyone from Johnny Depp to Siouxsie Sioux, you can't go wrong."

But it was in her singing that Beth admitted Piggy resonated with her. "Miss Piggy is extremely iconic. There's no one higher than Miss Piggy. It's funny but it's true -- she definitely was a huge influence on me as a teenager."

Art is in the eye of the beholder Part 1

Kermit once wrote, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And in a pig's eye, I'm beautiful, which makes Piggy beautiful to me." And it has to be agreed...that diva diamond is a delight to behold, whether it be gazing down from a poster in her Breakfast, Dinner and Tea and Tiffany's pose, or glittering as she spins from the spruce branches of a plastic Christmas tree...

Certainly here, in this statuesque statuette, Miss Piggy glory shines. Her coy stance mixed with the slight flutter of her eyelids, causes one to take a breath. Her deliciously layered dress and ruffled boa declare her class and style, and her uncommonly pink gloves betray her impeccable fashion sense. The hair, snout, feet, and attention to detail here is fabulous, and she can be bought (her statue, that is...) $68.00 from the Walt Disney Store. Standing 6 1/4'' tall, this Miss Piggy can decorate your living or dining room and can will brighten your very own Breakfast, Dinner or Tea.

Lists of lists!

There are many elite, distinguished, unatainable, star-rated clubs, groups, and hotel-suites (President, dear, step aside! The pent house is moi's!) but of these many classy, highly-sought-after groupings, one stands out above the rest, and that is this:

Fanlistings.

What are these mysterious fanlisting, you may ask? Well, simply put, a fanlisting is a list of fans (tres helpful to have on a hot summer's day). Anyone can have a fanlisting online from Princess Tutu (note: Who???) to Brad Pitt (note: List now, swoon later). Anyone can sign up to a fanlisting, announcing themselves fans of Pitts or Tutus, and their names are listed so the world can know that you are the 231'st fan of Princess Pitt, or the 13'000th fan of Brad in a Tutu. Moi's own personal fanlisting is also known as "The phone directory."

Kermie and Piggy have a fanlisting site run by Natalie (Kissy kissy dear!), and you can sign up to it here! Go ahead! Announce your fanatical self to the world, and show support for Pig and Frog. We look forward to seeing you!

xxx