The first time it happened, we knew! TMS Season One, Episode 1

A frog.

A pig.

Oh, and I think there were some other people there too.

Yes, you guessed it, I'm referring to the very first episode of the Muppet Show, when Juliet Prowse danced with willd, savage gazelles, Fozzie started a glorious career of telling the jokes that still bring tears to your eyes today, and Piggy demonstrated amply (don't give her my address, would ya?) that, ala Oscar Wilde, she can resist anything except temptation.

Naturally, Kermit doesn't know what hit him.

Swinehearts' ushy gushy rating for this episode: Ten full body tackle serenades out of ten!

Our rating for overall quality of this episode: Eight mahna mahnas out of ten "do doo do do do's"

Warning: Contents may have settled during posting. Your opinion may vary. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading the US tax code. Brush thrice a day. Call your mother, it's been forever.

Stay tuned for the next episode, when Kermit figures out exactly what hit him... and tries to figure out how to get it to happen again!

Psst...Pass it on...

In 2003, a wide smile and two saturn eyes gazed down from a billboard onto the people of America, and told them to live their dreams. He had been put up there by the kind people at The Foundation for a Better Life (a non-profit, privately funded institution) who wanted to promote the personal values shared by our amphibious leader and to remind the world that anything can happen. After all, if a Hollywood star can eat flies...is there anything we cannot do?

More Musique

In 1993, The Muppets had a party on the beach, setting claim to the warm sand with a fence of surf-boards, laying out mats, lighting the barbecue (and the Chef, but that was later), and spreading copious amounts of suntan lotion about hither and thither.

This was The Muppet Beach Party, a CD officially released by BMG Kidz and Jim Henson Records in 1993, and unofficially featured at Muppet Musique where it is currently available for download.

Among the fun, if somewhat funky, tracks are many which capture the imagination (Yes, I'm looking at you Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini) and inspire the heart, as well as many hip beat tracks that force one out of the easy chair and onto the somewhat 60's disco dance floors.

Here is our favorite frog singing our favorite track, Kokomo. What more could you ask for on a long, cool, root-beer sipping evening?




You can find these tracks, and more, at Muppet Musique.

Gonzo and Miss Piggy? -- "Yuckaa!" Pig says.

From the earliest days of The Muppet Show, a certain pig had a certain crush on a certain frog, and a certain weirdo had an somewhat more uncertain crush on said same pig. Sending her flowers, writing her sonnets, hiding in her dressing room...could Miss Piggy have asked for a more perfect suitor than Gonzo the Great (aka, The Great Gonzo)???

Psst, the correct answer is 'YES!'

Yes, she could ask for a green, flippered, goggle-eyed suitor who had her swept off her feet from the moment she first laid eyes (and gloves) upon him. But what became of her original suitor...*ahem*...stalker, Gonzo? Well, he met a perfect chicken, and Piggy was history. Here is a secretly recorded clip from Miss Piggy's dressing room the day that Gonzo decided to, er, break up with her, and she decided to, er, break him up.

A leap into "Before You Leap"...

"...it's time to look inside yourself. I'm not talking about opening your mouth and saying "ahh" or craning your neck to peer deep into your ear, fun though that may be. I'm talking about the inner you, or, as we call it around the swamp, your inner tadpole."

In 2006, Kermit released a fun, green book of memoirs and wisdom. Dedicated to Jim Henson, "...who first held me up for the world to see...", the book Before You Leap is a frog's eye view of life's greatest lessons, edited and typed by Jim Lewis. The book leaps (before you do) from topic to topic, delving into the subjects of love, life, and lillypads. About midway (just after adulthood and before life crisis) Kermit pauses to discuss getting in touch with your inner tadpole. Here's a selection taken from there.

"What is your inner tadpole? There are many different definitions. Some call it your soul or spirit. Others call it your conscience. Others call it that annoying little voice that tells you to laugh even though the last joke that Fozzie told was really not at all funny. Whatever you decide to call it, your inner tadpole is what guides you through the calm streams and raging rapids of life. It is what keeps you afloat at low tide and goes skinny-dipping with you at high tide. It is the essence of you.

"Why would you want to get back in touch with your inner tadpole? There are three simple reasons:
1. You want to make the most of every day.
2. You want to have someone to talk to when no one else is around.
3. You want to have someone to talk to after you get picked up for talking around talking to yourself.

"Let's start by opening a line of conversation with your inner tadpole. This is as easy as having a conversation with a friend. Just say, "Hello, inner tadpole, are you there?" and wait for an answer:
If you get no answer, wait and ask again.
If you get voicemail, press "3" followed by the pound sign (#) to leave a message.
If you still get no answer after several tries, try text messaging.
If all else fails, the network may be busy, so call back later.
If you get an answer but don't recognise the voice, chances are that your inner tadpole has outsourced its services to a country with a better cost-per-call ratio.
If, however, you hear a little voice inside respond, "Yeah, what is it?" then congratulations, you've reconnected with your inner tadpole."

To read more of Kermit's advice, such as how to get comfortable ("Put on the fuzzy bunny slippers. Heck, get crazy and make some hot cocoa."), the definition of love ("...the most overwhelming feeling in the world."), and what best to eat for lunch ("Never eat anything that could eat you for dinner."), then head out to the Amazon (dot.com), put on those bunny slippers and settle down with your own copy of Before You Leap.

Bake moi a cake called 'Love'

This delicious recipe is cooked up from a little book known as "In the Kitchen With Miss Piggy -- Fabulous Recipes from My Famous Celebrity Friends" (It's possible that this book and "It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie" were in competition for the longest title of a Muppet related product.)

Kermit's Favorite Grasshopper Pie

by Kermit

"Kermie, Kermie, Kermie -- my sweet little Kermie. There's no way I would ever eat anything called grasshopper pie." - Miss P.

For the Crust

1 1/2 cups crushed Oreos (about 16 cookies)

2 tablespoons melted butter

For the Filling

1/3 cup milk

1 package unflavored gelatin

1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk

1/3 creme de menthe

1/3 cup creme de cacao

1 1/4 cups heavy cream

Topping

1/2 cup heavy cream

chocolate curls or shavings

(pick the chocolate of your choice -- semisweet, bittersweet, or milk)

To make the crust:

In a small bowl, stir together the Oreos and butter. Press onto the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie dish. Refrigerate until ready to use.

To make the filling:

1. Put the milk into a small heatproof bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over it. Set aside for 5 minutes. In a medium-size bowl, whisk together the condensed milk, creme de menthe, and creme to cacao. Set aside.

2. Set the bowl of milk and gelatin over a small pan of boiling water or use a double boiler and stir gently until smooth, about 4 minutes. Whisk into the condensed milk mixture. Refrigerate the filling, stirring often, until it begins to set, 30-40 minutes. Whip the 1 1/4 cups cream until stiff and fold into the filling. Spoon into the pie crust and refrigerate for at least 2 hours.

To serve:

Whip the 1/2 cup cream and decorate the top of the pie. Sprinkle with chocolate curls.

"I prefer mine sprinkled with a dozen caramelized crickets." - K.F.

"Note: For a tasty dessert topping, fill fire extinguisher with whipped cream, aim hose as your favorite dessert (or frog), spray, and enjoy!" - Miss P.

A Little Night Musique

There is nothing on earth that tunes the mind to thoughts of love quite so simply as a little themed music, (well, hypnotism also works, but mainly on chickens).

Music defines the Muppets. 'Never Before' is that first definitive moment in which boy meets girl, pig meets frog, from The Muppet Movie, 'The First Time it Happens' spins The Great Muppet Caper into life, and 'Love Led Us Here' could capture the heart of even the sternest of Mon Capitaines in Muppet Treasure Island.

Here at Swinehearts, we have tracked down the definitive (there's that word again!) online collection of Muppet Music, a site aptly named Muppet Musique. At Musique, you can listen to songs from almost every Muppet production ever made, and can download them for your own computers.

Earlier today, we snagged a song from the site ourselves, and have included it here for your listening pleasure. Oh, and if you stare at the image of Miss Piggy below expecting it to change...chances are you'll be hypnotised as well. (Hey, Kermit was when he first caught that twinkle.)

Enjoy!

Where there are sparks, there's a blazing electrical storm...

Piggy turned to Kermit, and growled. "Kermie, why is there a weirdo taking my act?"

"Your act?" Kermit asked. "Since when was it your act?"

"Since I was so graciously asked to perform it on ‘American Idol’," Piggy said, pushing her hair back pompously.

Kermit frowned. "Piggy, you didn’t even sing, you just made a small appearance!"

"Don’t talk details with me, frog!" Piggy said. "I know what I did- and at least I was there."

Kermit shook his head. "It doesn’t matter Piggy," he said. "What matters is, this is not your number!"

"Yes it is!" Piggy countered, not as brilliantly as she had hoped.

"No, it is not!" Kermit fought right back.

"What are you saying?" Piggy glared down at the frog.

"I’m saying that you, Miss Piggy, are wrong!" Kermit shouted. "You’re always wrong!"

The Muppet Theater grew deathly silent. Everyone looked at each other. Piggy stood, staring, mouth agape at Kermit.

Ohhhh, boy.

Well, we all of us know, that things between the frog and the pig may not always be moonlight serenades and rock bottom cheap muskatelle, but they ARE always interesting. In this excerpt from theprawncracker's latest fast paced, quick witted fanfiction, "Men are Pigs," the romantic tension between the frog and pig, not to mention every other established couple, snaps like a piano wire. In other words.... duck! But don't miss this story, still in progress at MC.

Update: This story has now been completed.

And now for a little moonlighting...

Kermit kept playing as she talked. For once, he didn’t mind at all that she was complaining. He listened to her, and occasionally nodded or made an off hand comment about something he would take care of when he got back. But all the while, a swirl of other thoughts danced through his mind.

“...But he still can’t get that light fixed, Kermie. Moi do not know what he has been doing up there, but it obviously isn’t helping at all. He can’t possibly be doing anything to help Rowlfie and Scooter, because he just spends every day up there tinkering with some wires or something. That’s all he ever does, Kermie...”

He glanced at her. Was it the moonlight? The way it played across her face through the branches, illuminating her face in perhaps just the right way... But no, that wasn’t it. Was it her clothes? He kept playing.

“...And Kermie, you wouldn’t believe how terrible it smelled! But Rizzo was crazy enough to eat it, as usual, and you can’t even tell now...”

He glanced at her. Was it the swamp? The grass and the branches of a few trees behind her seemed to somehow frame her face in perhaps just the right way... But no, that wasn’t it. Was it the stars? He kept playing.

“...So he went all the way to the other side of town just to buy this silly paintbrush, and then he realized that he didn’t even have the right paint. So he went all the way back...”

He glanced at her. Was it just how tired he was? No, that wasn’t it. Planetary alignment, perhaps?

Perhaps, Kermit, perhaps not. The preceeding is a segment from TogetherAgain's wonderfully poignant story, "Swamp Call," in which Kermit is called back to the swamp to be with his frog family during a very difficult time, and his Muppet family must struggle together to cope with their beloved leader's absence, as well as finding a way to support him. Swamps, sisters, banjos and clumps, "Swamp Call" has much to draw in the ushy gushy loving reader, and is well worth a little quiet reflection under the stars, and near your own favorite, muddy pond.

Never Before...one more time now!

Before The Muppet Movie was unleashed upon cinemas, the Muppets themselves gathered in Coconut Grove, Hollywood, for a small, private party -- in other words, a huge celebrity bash hosted by Dick van Dyke and Rita Moreno, featuring a plethora guests ranging from Christopher Reeve and LeVar Burton to Vincent Price and Liberace. This was The Muppets Go Hollywood, a one-hour tv special which aired on CBS in 1979.

Within the program for this glamerous promo party, Johnny Mathis joined Rowlf at the piano to croon his rendition of Never Before, Never Again, as Kermit and Piggy gaze on from a nearby table-for-two.

How I Caught My Frog

By Miss Piggy (transcriped from the Miss Piggy Calander, 1981)





Rana Kermitta, the common frog -- though only a booknosed biologist would consider this magnificent specmen common -- is as smart a critter as he is handsome, and if you want to lasso this baby, you've go to be just as quick on the uptake as he is.

I chose the location of my stand with a great deal of care -- a stone ledge on the end of a small swamp with a good field of view. I picked the time right, too -- full moon on a hot summer night.

As I bid adieu to my Seminole guide, he apprised my arrangements with an approving nod. "You gonna get your hands on something green tonight, missy, for sure," he remarked. "I ought to," I said impishly, remembering his hefty fee for showing me that special swamp of his. "I certainly put enough of something green in yours."

It might surprise veteran hunters, but I had placed myself upwind of my prey, not downwind, counting on the evening breeze to carry a few wiffs of the powerful frog-attracting scent I'd packed in my London Bog swamp jacket. I put a dab of two behind each eat, set out my lure, and settled down to wait.

Tonight the bait I'd opted for was a single-dip soft-vanilla sugar come with a solitary cherry -- the Old Reliable. I've used heavier stuff -- tripple scoops, exotic toppings, mixed flavors -- but I've found that for hooking their interest on that all-important first look, you can't beat the cool, white flash of creamy vanilla. And let me tell you, if you don't get your frog interested fast, you don't get a second chance.

A soft rustle in the eel grass told me my quarry was approaching. I could feel my heart pounding as I saw in the glare of my Marsh Master 12-volt lantern a pair of olive mitts closing on my lure. Slowly, I raised my net and poised myself to lunge. Closer and closer he came. It took all my concentration to keep that cone steady and not spook him with a sud-
(continued on page 57)


Editor's note...we could not find the continued clipping of that article, no matter how hard we searched through the drawers in Miss Piggy's wardrobe...

Hanker, hanker

"Have you been hankered at by a pig before?" Kermit asks in the first of a series of interviews transcripted by, and hosted at, the Toughpigs Community.

Well, as you know, here at Swinehearts we have a hankering of our own; namely, a hankering for anything related to the romance of a certain pig and a certain frog, and so we present That Magnificant Hankering, a series of transcripts at ToughPigs that range from Entertainment Tonight (1984) to Larry King Live (1993) and The 31st Emmy Awards (1978).

First up, a Strange Kind of Feeling, in which Kermit talks to David on Good Morning America about girlfriends, hankers, and little green footballs.

Moving right along, My Secret Love, transcripted from Bob Hope's Birthday Special (1978) in which Piggy has a song she wishes to sing into Bob's eyes...but Bob is nowhere to be seen, so a pair of cute, ping-pong-ball eyes will just have to work as a stand-in.

"Be Bob Hope," Piggy insists.
"There is no way I could be Bob Hope!" Kermit reponds, worried.
"Kermit! Kermit!"
"What?"
"Do it because I love you."
"No."
"Do it because I need you."
"No!"
"Do it or I'll cut ya in half!"

Moving swiftly on...The Love Life of Frogs, in which Piggy announces, "Kermit...we are engaged.", Kermit tries to hunt for Piggy's tail, and Gonzo introduces his chicken girlfriend Camilla.

And if that wasn't enough, next we have Not a Rules Girl in which Kermit reads the rules for the 1979 Emmy Awards, and Piggy flounces for a close-up as she tells the frog to, "...get your flippers off my hips."

And there's even more romance coming, stay tuned to Swinehearts for detail on the next four interview transcripts from ToughPigs.com

Photo gallery

Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then prop your flippers on a pillow and we'll take a look back over the (rose scented!) romance scrapbook (handmade paper, too, so keep your fingerprints to yourself, buster!).

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog recreate one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. "The best part about the shoot was all the jewelry that I get to keep," said Miss Piggy, but it was her director and on-screen lover, Kermit the Frog who answered our next question. "Oh—that’s easy. The hardest part was peeling all those grapes."

"Oh Kermie! Look! Look! It’s just like I always dreamed! What a beautiful room! What a beautiful—Kermie? Kermie! You’re not looking!"

"Wow, Miss Piggy. You look very, um, nice tonight."
"Thank vous, Mon Capitan." *Sigh* "You have the most adorable ping-pong eyes…."

"C’mere you! I’ve been waiting the whole movie to kiss the bride!"
"Oooh! Look, Kermie! Photographers!"
"Piggy!"

"I’m ready for my closeup, Kermie."
"Okay, work it Honey! That’s right! Put your foot a little further back, purse those puckery lips and say "Truffles!"

Piggy: "Oh, save me, Kermie, um, Flash! Save me, oh save me oh—say! Do those cute little boots come in my size?"
Rizzo the Rat (as Ming the Merciless): "Darn—there goes the barbeque."

The media love Miss Piggy almost as much as the red carpet does, and she loves the media almost as much as she loves chocolate! Here, Kermit the Frog (behind top hat) and Miss Piggy part the crowd to get to their limo on Oscar night.


Business is booming when Miss Piggy is the cover story! Kermit the Frog (pictured between hat and scarf) minds a news stand on a blustery morning in Manhattan.

Miss Piggy delighted armed (and legged) servicemen when she parachuted right onto center stage in to the USO show. Her arrival was greeted with enthusiastic applause. Said Miss Piggy, "I was aiming for the mess hall."


Kermit and Frog and Miss Piggy share a quiet moment at Christmastime. No debates about red or green this Christmas!


"Forget Victoria's secret! We have an exclusive look inside the inner sanctum of one of Hollywood's hottest leading women! Our cover story: What inspired a pig to get into movies?"


The new look for spring is bold! Daring! And covered in cute little frogs!

Kermit and Miss Piggy pose for photographers after their wedding.

Said Mr. the Frog, "That went better than expected." Said Mrs. the Frog, er, Miss Piggy, "This is the happiest day of his life!"

Stepping out with a star, sad times bye-bye! Kermit and Frog and Miss Piggy trip the light fantastic in this Broadway number, while the chorus line of rats just tries not to trip. Said Miss Piggy, "Who invited these bozos into our big number?"

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