Famous last words? Of course. But in this case, they are also the first words of a short fan-fiction piece written by Ruahnna, a member of the Muppet fan-site Muppet Central. As with all fan-communities, The Muppet Show has its share of art, stories, and speculation created by fans, for fans. Here at Swinehearts we aim to provide you with access to everything that supports the secret love of Kermit and Miss Piggy and that helps call-back an era when romance was the at the centre of the Muppet lore.
Over Christmas, and into the new year, Ruahnna provided us with a series of speculative stories surrounding the creation of the Hallmark Christmas Ornaments. Here is a short clip from her story, "What an Angel."
*****
Posing for Christmas ornaments had not always played to his particular strengths, but this time, he wasn’t even in the photo shoot—leaving him free to supervise and run interference on pesky photographers. He felt certain this was going to go better.
Once again, he and Piggy had found themselves the guests and subjects of the nice people at Hallmark. Kermit would always gratefully remember their phenomenal support while The Muppet Show was running and their first three movies were being made. Time was you could not go into any Hallmark Store anywhere and not be greeting with Kermit’s smiling face or Piggy’s delectable form. Speaking of delectable…. Kermit trotted over to Piggy’s dressing room to see how she was faring.
“I look like the Statue of Liberty,” Piggy had complained, lifting the folds of mint green. Kermit opened his mouth to reassure her but found he could not, in good faith, disagree with her assessment. The dressmaker had been accommodating (as well as awe-struck) however, and had been very interested in Piggy’s input. Never shy with her opinion when it came to fashion, Piggy had made several specific, um, “suggestions,” and the designer and her team of seamstresses had rushed to comply.
She had wanted the gown to look less like a choir robe and more like a ladies ball gown. She had insisted that they raise the neckline—angels must not show, well, anything that would not be appropriate. The dress—especially if the ornament was going to be sculpted as though she were flying—needed a belt if the dress wasn’t going to simply droop from her shoulders. They had not made gloves—she had brought an array for them to choose from, and they had matched her favorite shade of lavender and used it to dye the shoes. They had initially tried it without shoes, but it made the overall impression seem more shepherdess-like than angelic, so Piggy had been obliged to accept yet another pair of lovely shoes (Oh—the burden of it all!) designed just for her.
While she had been adamant about the lack of cleavage shown by the neckline, she had been equally insistent on the topic of the effects of heavenly gravity verses earthly gravity. Appropriate undergarments were procured, and everyone was pleased with the result. The undergarments proved to be more significant than anyone had anticipated when it became necessary to hoist Piggy up into the air as though she were actually fluttering around the Christmas tree. It was absolutely imperative that everything stay exactly where it belonged, from the shoes—which showed a marked tendency to come off—to the dress, which wanted to shift a little on her shoulders. The halo and wings proved to be logistical nightmares of their own. Minute adjustments were made, and spirit gum was liberally applied. The pulleys did their work and Piggy soared magnificently into the air.Like everyone else, Kermit walked around her raised form admiringly, but when the admiring went on for what seemed to him like and inordinate amount of time, Kermit began to feel proprietary and huffy, glaring meaningfully at anyone whose gaze lingered for longer than he felt was necessary. Unfortunately, no one paid him any mind—including Piggy—and she giggled and flirted shamelessly with this new batch of camera jockeys while they admired her heavenly form.
“Can we get started?” Kermit demanded.
('What an Angel' is continued here.)
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