Merry Kermistmas

We found this image lurking about the web, and thought it summed up our feelings perfectly. Years of magical moments and ushy gushy memories for the frog and the pig to recall upon...

Merry Christmas from the Swinehearts Team!

Piggy Takes UK shows by Storm!

Once again proving that she is a woman who will go to the far corners of the Earth to promote her show, Piggy returned to the rain-drenched isle of sunny Great Britian and agreed to give a wide variety of interviews from GMTV's LK Today to the Radio 1 studio (sadly not the live-lounge, although we'd love to have heard her cover Amy Winehouse or Leona Lewis as neither of their everlasting note-holding can hold an everlasting candle to that fantastic Never Before, Never again finale).

With LK, Piggy chatted about her work, the artists she has worked with, her curves, and the old double-0 situation. She also discussed the future...and how she wants to skydive off Mt Everest. Good luck with that, we say. And bet she would do it alright...with style.

Piggy also had a British reporter stop by, whose lame attempts to flirt do nothing to rival her frog -- instead managing only to rile up the pig. "Ham-let"? Really? Is that joke still out there? Please, dear, go out and find some writer's who arn't striking and return for interviews with our diva.

Later, Piggy paused to discuss the show with Natalie Jamieson and firmly put her in place. Literally. "You stay there...I'll just go over here." Kudous on avoiding a confrontation with the whole Kylie thing, Piggy. You know and we know that he's your frog, would Kylie kindly step aside...

Piggy also explained how she likes to surprise her victims with a little kara-te from time to time. So future reporters...do watch your step.

Finally...Miss Piggy's appearence on Loose Women last week has been posted online, so you can view it here. Enjoy!

Miss Piggy on the loose!

Appearing once more on British television, the fabulously dynamic Miss Piggy returned for an interview on Loose Women, and what a come back! Appearing in a ruby-red jacket with faux-fur collar and red-gloves, Miss Piggy stole the show as the 'ladies' asked her advice on a variety of issues.

Miss Piggy made the easy decision to call all the presenters Ginger to save herself the difficulty of remembering their names...allow us to do the same.

Ginger 1: "Miss Piggy!"
Piggy: "Kissy Kisssy! Oh thank you, thank you."
Ginger 1: "Obviously you are the biggest celebrity we have ever had on this show."
Piggy: "Obviously."
Ginger 2: "Goes without saying."
Piggy: "Goes without saying. I must say, this is my first time meeting all of you and, um, I'm just...I'm just not going to get your names straight, ok? I'm apologising up front
I've decided to call you all Ginger. Ok? I hope you're ok with that."
Ginger 1: "Listen, on the Muppet show you had amazing celebrities."
Piggy: *interrupting* "Yes, Ginger?"
Ginger 2: "Do you have a favorite?"
Piggy: "Oh, we did, we did. Oh, we had so many. John Cleese and Julie Andrews and Elton John, oh, Rudolf Nerov...yes."
Ginger 3: "The ballet dancer?"
Piggy: "What a DREAMBOAT he was. Oh yeah. We shared a scene. In a sauna. And boy was it HOT. Oh, let me tell YOU."
Ginger 1: "Listen, just tell us, how've you managed to stay at the top of your game for so long?"
Piggy: "Ooh, well, you know...I don't...I think my secret really lies is to work with genius."
Ginger 4: "Oh, like now?"
Piggy: "Don't let that get to your head. No, I'm talking about KERMIT! Kermit! Kermit is truly a genius, after all, he discovered moi. Ahh-heh-heh-ha!"
Ginger 1: "Oh, yeah, now speaking of kermit, you've been together for many years now. is there any sign of a wedding?"
Piggy: "A really BIG sign, actually. Right outside his window. it says "Marry me NOW."-or else."
Ginger 1: "Well, Miss piggy I'm...I don't know how to say--"
Piggy: "How'd you do it?"
Ginger 2: "Exactly that way, actually. Marry me or else."
Piggy: "Oh, will it work for moi?"
Ginger 2: "It will."
Ginger 1: "Well, you see, the thing is I don't know how to break this to you, because I have a little bitsy confession to make regarding your beloved Kermit."
Piggy: "You mean?"
Ginger 1: "Take a look at this."
Cut to a few years past, where Ginger 1 is interviewing Kermit outside of Muppet Vision 3D.
Ginger1: "You're going to the premier tonight?"
Kermit: "I am."
Ginger1: "And...is Miss Piggy going with you?"
Kermit: "Well...er...*looking around...snuggles closer, touches her arm* No. She's not. *clears throat*"
Ginger 1: "Do you...do you have, have a date?"
Kermit: *whistles to self* Not really. I er...have a spare ticket."
Ginger 1: "Well, I'm...available."
Kermit: "You are?"
Ginger 1: "For...tonight."
Kermit: "For the...er...for the...*distracted by rubbing her arm* I love your jacket. Is that made of...Pig leather?"
Ginger 1: "Yes."
Kermit: *tries not to laugh*
Cut to a little later when Kermit and Ginger 1 share a brief kiss.
CUT BACK TO PIGGY
Piggy: "WHAT? What...um...which Ginger was that???"
Ginger 1: "It meant nothing."
Ginger 2: "This Ginger."
Piggy: "That was you??? That was YOU? Yeah, they've changed your hair. That's a good idea."
Ginger 1: "What do you-yeah, listen, I have to ask your advice about the hair. You're a woman with beautiful long blonde locks."
Piggy: "Yes."
Ginger 1: "It's your, sort of, your signature look isn't it."
Piggy: "Yes it is. *flips hair*"
Ginger 1: "As a woman myself with long blonde hair do you think there's a certain cut off point, you know,when you go over the forty mark, is it still ok to have long blonde hair?"
Piggy: "Forty? Ahheheh. Dear, I'm in my early twenties. I have no idea about over forty but um...since you asked, let me look at you. I think its perfect."
Ginger 2: "Aww..."
Piggy: "I have that same style sitting on a table in my dressing room. It's very nice but STAY AWAY FROM MY FROG!"
Ginger 1: *hands up* Just good friends!"
Ginger 3:"Can I just butt in with my dilemma before there's a little...punch up...um..."
Piggy: "Yes Ginger?"
Ginger 3: "I'm thinking of going into stand up comedy. Now can you give me some advice on putting down the hecklers? What's a killer line to put down any hecklers?"
Piggy: "Hecklers...hecklers...You know, um, I'm not really a stand up. I'm more in the tradition of *not sure* No. But, um, I'd say give them a good karate chop!"
Ginger 3: "Okay."
Piggy: "I'd say that'll shut em up."
Ginger 3: "Thank you very much."
Piggy: "I try."
Ginger 4: "Look, you need to help me as well because, um, I like a pint. I like to go down the pub with my blokey mates."
Piggy: "*looking her up and down disdainfully* You're kidding."
Ginger 4: "Do you think...do you honestly think I should be a bit more ladylike?"
Piggy: "No...I think you're perfect JUST the way you are. Yes, yes, you're my kind of woman."
Ginger 3: "Awww..."
Piggy: "But, if you wanna get asked out...by men..."
Ginger 4: "Well, I kind of do."
Piggy: "Yeah, you might want to at least pretend to be a little more ladylike."
Ginger 4: *abashed*/*making faces at Piggy when her back is turned*
Piggy: "Listen, I know its lying! I know it's a little bit like lying but, they're men. It's ok."
Ginger 4: "Ok, I'll try."
Ginger 1: "Listen, Miss Piggy, thank you so much for taking time out of your...global schedule to come and spend some time with us I know that the DVD is out, right?
Piggy: "Yes, yeah. Season 2, or series two...that sprits it up."
Ginger 1: "Are we going to have another series of the Muppets? Or are you too busy with the other aspects of your career and your love life to bother with that now?"
Piggy: "Well, well, my love life is very busy. But...no...um, maybe. Maybe someday. Something, sometime soon. You know, it's all top secret right now. Hush hush."
Ginger 1: "Thank you SO much, Miss Piggy everybody!"
Piggy: "Thank yoou!"

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting...skiing lessons?

As unlikely as it may seem, Christmas is almost upon us (57 days?) and with this knowledge comes the panic attacks, the palpitations, and the blissful joy that is remembering to buy presents, seeking them out, and, finally, giving up and drinking hot chocolate instead by a roaring fire with a lady pig by your side...in a log cabin...far up in the woods...with the snow swishing past the windows...and the flames cracking...and a blanket...Oookay, it's possible I'm drifting off topic. *ahem*

What to get, is the question -- a questions that can be swiftly answered in a five-page alphabetized list from Miss Piggy, summoned from her filing cabinet of lists, letters, sticks of candy cane and coal -- although it can also be answered more simply, by reminding the reader that what they peruse and purchase must have a purpose.

If you have seen your loved one hanging around the make-up stand at the local drug-store for a suspicious amount of time, then one choice is obvious: Under no circumstances buy her make-up, skin-care-treatment, strawberry and chocolate mud-packs, or spray-on-tan. If she has taken the time to loiter, she obviously cares very specifically for what she intends to buy, face-dressing-wise, therefore no matter what you pick out, it will not be the perfect thing for her.

Instead, what you buy must be well thought out and planned, purposed especially for her...What does she love? What are her hobbies? What movie left her in tears for hours (or days)? What makes her laugh? Does she like rings engraved with the words "Marry Me"? What is her favorite meal? Does she like chocolates with soft centres? Does she gaze hauntingly at that necklace with the emerald clasp? Does she hanker after a set of hankerchiefs with the little rose buds? Does she want to pick out the wedding china? What is her favorite shape? Who are her favorite singers? Has she mentioned a favotire author? Does she hope for a villa in Spain? Can you afford all these things?

Naturally, your answer is either:
a. Not really.
b. Heavens no!
c. *gulp*
or d. *runs away screaming*

(If you answered 'Yes' to buying all these things, then please send me your name and address so that I can make sure Miss Piggy never introduces herself to you.)

If you gulped or ran away, return! All is not lost. Here's what you do...

Find a gift-box in a mistletoe green, or a holly-berry (Halle Berry?) red. Be sure the box is large -- we're taking Elisa Doolittle's hat-box large. Now, fill said box with shredded tissue-paper in a variety of colours (or stick with the red/green theme), add some paper-roses if you have time to create them, or cut some rose-petals from red paper. Right. When the box is half filled, you are ready to begin with the filling.

First, chocolates. Find a variety-box of her favorites, wrap, and place amidst the bedding of paper. Next, something cute -- a toy puppy, a fluffy pillow, fluffy-dice, a stuffed snowman, something she will like and go "Awwww!" at. Add this to the box without wrapping. Find a dvd or book, or both, that she will simply adore -- alternately, buy Before You Leap and a Muppet Christmas Carol from any bargain bin -- wrap and add to the box. If she likes earrings, buy her a pair. She will love them, and she will look fantastic with them, so you both win. Wrap, add to box. Find something that matches her hobbies -- if she paints, something arty, if she sews, something sewy, if she shops...a gift voucher! Wrap and add.

Drop a note into the box. Something cute without being clingy. Something you wouldn't mind her reading in front of you.

Get a photo-frame (you can get these at unexuperant prices) then print or find a photo she adores -- of yourself, or the two of you, or Prince William -- wrap and add. Throw in a bag of marshmallows, a set of wooden-skewers, and a bar of chocolate...this can be fondued later over an open fire, or gas-flame. Gloves or a scarf can be acquired and added if (and only IF) you know she will love and wear them. Don't wrap these, rather tie them with a loose bow and drop into the top of the box. Get a CD she will enjoy -- again, it doesn't have to be the latest, newest, most expensive CD, just one that she will love. Wrap and add. You can listen to it later while you fondue.

Finally, sprinkle over the gifts with more shredded paper, silver or gold confetti, and some wrapped-sweets such as toffees, or strawberry chocolates. Close the lid of the box and wrap. place under the Christmas tree, then position a few carefully chosen small presents on top -- such as a book or dvd (whichever one you didn't put in the box), novelty-socks, or that singing-Christmas-tree that the two of you hate so much you love it. The plan is, she'll open these first and be surprised...then when she comes to the box she'll melt at the planning, time effort, and thought that has gone into every gift you've acquired for her.

Now your only problem will be if she reads this post before you do, because you'll have a lot to live up to!

Alternantly...bake some ginger-bread and decorate as Piggy and Kermit. That should work. Yeah...that might be easier actually.

Ditto that...

Beth Ditto -- singer, writer, and comunist whose punk band Gossip is (says the Independant) "on the verge of completing a rags-to-riches journey to the dizzy heights of global stardom," -- recently admitted in an interview with Advocate Magazine that she concidered Miss Piggy to be her very stylish inspiration.

"I love fashion," Ms Ditto says, "but it's just not fair. Here's the deal: fashion should be for everyone...Fashion is one thing – I love style. Those are two different things. Fashion is a product that can be bought and sold and is made for you, and style is something that you get up and you do it to yourself every morning. Fashion is a product, but style is a way of life. You can't buy style, it's an instinct."

"Black eyeliner," she states, "is amazing -- anyone from Johnny Depp to Siouxsie Sioux, you can't go wrong."

But it was in her singing that Beth admitted Piggy resonated with her. "Miss Piggy is extremely iconic. There's no one higher than Miss Piggy. It's funny but it's true -- she definitely was a huge influence on me as a teenager."

Art is in the eye of the beholder Part 1

Kermit once wrote, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And in a pig's eye, I'm beautiful, which makes Piggy beautiful to me." And it has to be agreed...that diva diamond is a delight to behold, whether it be gazing down from a poster in her Breakfast, Dinner and Tea and Tiffany's pose, or glittering as she spins from the spruce branches of a plastic Christmas tree...

Certainly here, in this statuesque statuette, Miss Piggy glory shines. Her coy stance mixed with the slight flutter of her eyelids, causes one to take a breath. Her deliciously layered dress and ruffled boa declare her class and style, and her uncommonly pink gloves betray her impeccable fashion sense. The hair, snout, feet, and attention to detail here is fabulous, and she can be bought (her statue, that is...) $68.00 from the Walt Disney Store. Standing 6 1/4'' tall, this Miss Piggy can decorate your living or dining room and can will brighten your very own Breakfast, Dinner or Tea.

Lists of lists!

There are many elite, distinguished, unatainable, star-rated clubs, groups, and hotel-suites (President, dear, step aside! The pent house is moi's!) but of these many classy, highly-sought-after groupings, one stands out above the rest, and that is this:

Fanlistings.

What are these mysterious fanlisting, you may ask? Well, simply put, a fanlisting is a list of fans (tres helpful to have on a hot summer's day). Anyone can have a fanlisting online from Princess Tutu (note: Who???) to Brad Pitt (note: List now, swoon later). Anyone can sign up to a fanlisting, announcing themselves fans of Pitts or Tutus, and their names are listed so the world can know that you are the 231'st fan of Princess Pitt, or the 13'000th fan of Brad in a Tutu. Moi's own personal fanlisting is also known as "The phone directory."

Kermie and Piggy have a fanlisting site run by Natalie (Kissy kissy dear!), and you can sign up to it here! Go ahead! Announce your fanatical self to the world, and show support for Pig and Frog. We look forward to seeing you!

xxx

The times, my friends, are a-changing...

Oh, yes, we here at Swinehearts can look back, you know, a year or two, or three, even four, when things were different. There was a time, my friends, a shocking time, you might say, a darker, lonelier time, when the love between the pig and the frog was considered, (GASP!) laughable.

I know, it's a horrifying contemplation, but it's true.

In fact, those who believed in the frog-pig wedding, or, at the very least, the continuing existance of that charming union, were considered the lunatic fringe... among the lunatic fringe that are muppet fans.

Yes, it was a dark time indeed, but take heart! The sun has risen again on the frog, and the pig... and they couldn't be happier about it, I'm sure. It is clear to us here that the fans have once again opened their hearts, to the reality of Kermit and Piggy's joyous nuptuals in 'The Muppets Take Manhattan,' turning themselves to thoughts of why the frog would deny his marriage to his lady pig, and just what a fig or a pog might look like anyway. It does our own hearts good to feel this shifting of the wind.

If there's anything that we know about the Powers that Be, it's that they are watching us. (That's right, Big Mouse is watching.) We fans put money in their pockets, and ultimately, they want to give us what we want for that reason. So when, years after the wedding, the denials were a-flying around, principally for the sake of scandal, it became very easy to believe that, yup, Piggy was lying or deluded, and poor Kermit was just trying to escape her.

Money may talk, but gossip screams like Gonzo plunging headlong into a brick wall, before staggering to its feet and giggling to itself. Fear not, however, for there were many, old fans and new, who looked back over the years of their history, and kept the faith. It seems to us that that voice is now being heard, not as a shy whisper of support from a lone voice here and there, but from more and more voices, joining together in a chorus of approval. The frog was shy, the pig was right, and look at that, aren't they just so much better together?

There aren't too many celebrities out there after all, with that kind of chemistry, and staying power, even the non-muppet fans know that Kermit and Piggy have long-time love.

So, because no website is an island, because an island is: "a tract of land completely surrounded by water, and not large enough to be called a continent," thank you dictionary.com, we are putting out the call.

Do you believe in the frog-pig romance? Are you convinced that that wedding was real? Do you deny the frog's denials? Well, we want to hear from you! If you want to share why you think there *could* be bouncing baby figlets, well, let us know today! If you have a story, a poem, an argument, a favourite moment between them, or you just want to chime in, "Me too!" then don't hesitate to drop us a line at swinehearts@hotmail.com. We'll be all too happy to post submissions from you, the people, in an effort to support interspecies love, and maybe, just maybe, reach the large, round, black ears of the mouse himself.

Just to get the frog hopping here, we present ten reasons to deny the frog's denials:

- Piggy: Thank you! Hello! And kissy kissy to you all!
Kermit: Aw, very good. You got your hair down, and you got all dressed and everything.
Piggy: Yes, don't I look adorable?
Kermit: Ah, you look very good. You certainly do.
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-"I know what's been going on behind my back, but Miss Piggy is MY girl! You're just a guest on this show, just passing through town! She loves me, and she's gonna have dinner with me tonight, after the show. Miss Piggy, you and me, alone!"

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-"And so we see how far Kermit as has come, from local television show host to happily married frog."
"Piggy! We're supposed to be introducing scenes from our movies."
"And you did it tres well, hubby!"
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*Joan: Tell us something about Miss Piggy that she would just die if we all knew.
Piggy: Or somebody else'll die if you all know.
Kermit: Well, she's an interesting sight in lingerie. I must say that. I mean. Uh, yes.
Piggy: Awww, Kermie. Isn't that sweet.
Joan: Does she wear real feminine, frilly stuff?
Kermit: It's, uh, she has all kinds of things with buckles and snaps, and stuff...

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-"Piggy! How many times have I told you! Can you, can you just take your cameras out of here? I'm not talking anymore in this kind of thing. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to just leave."
"Lee? You should feel very proud. You -- and the world -- have just experienced our first marriage tiff."
"What?!"
"I'll be home soon, dear! He's cooking."

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-"That's Miss Piggy! She's a star and a lady, now treat her well!"
"This is not a statue! This is a warm and sensitive lady, and a friend."
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-"You know, Kermie. I really like the water, which means after we're married, we can live at your place."
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-"Linda, I love my frog more than life itself. I love him more than laughter and sunshine. I love him more than-"
"More than chocolate cookies with white stuff in the middle?"
Piggy: "Linda, I DO love Kermit."
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"You know, when I first saw you, I really thought you were very attractive. I don't think I ever saw a pig that looked quite like that before."
"Like what? Tell me?"
"Well, you have that long hair... and your eyes are quite, uh, quite outstanding."
"They're a curse."
"A curse? What do you mean, 'they're a curse'?"
"The beauty of them... gets me in all sorts of trouble."
"Oh...heh, yeah."
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And last, but not least, and not really last by a long shot!

"I... do."
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Op...er...ah?

"Many people are put off by the fact that most opera are sung in another language," Kermit notes in his autobiography and self-help guide, Before You Leap, "This is only because if they were sung in English, they'd be called musical comedies. Telling folks you are going to a musical comedy doesn't sounds nearly as hotsy-tosy as telling them you are going to the op-er-ah...!"

But can the queen of hotsy-totsy, also step up to take her place as the queen of opera? In this recently discovered clip, the divine Miss Piggy declares that she cannot perform without her frog by her side and the equally delux Placido Domingo steps up to the task, despite not being green and not having flippers.

I Got You, Babe

Hours of practice, weeks of rehearsals, months of minute detailed adjustments, all working towards the perfect lip-sync between performer and backing-track...and it all goes to pot the moment someone uploads it to YouTube. Whoever did that, you better watch it. Oh, and tres thank you for uploading it for us. Kissy kissy! Aheh!

Er...yeah...dispite small technical errors, and an aversion to comparing the lovely Miss Piggy with any other movie-swine -- I Got you Babe? The jokes don't get cheaper than that... -- despite all that, this movie portrays the bantered love that is still shared between frog and pig...and her costume is glorious...as is his, er, hairpiece.

Enjoy!

Chatting in the Oz-Universe (Land of Oz, perhaps?)

Early this week, Ain't It Cool News of the AIC network, sent out their interviewer extraordinaire, Capone, to catch up with Frank Oz in Chicago, where they chatted out the highlights, problems, and history of Frank's career.

"As I look at it now," Frank tells Capone, "I realize I'm part of history in certain ways with 'Sesame Street' and 'Saturday Night Live' and 'Star Wars' and 'The Muppet Show.' It's odd, because for me, I was just doing gigs."

Which was, of course, how it all started; with small gigs on a plethora of programs. "That's what we were known for at first. We were an act in the beginning. We'd go from the Perry Como show to the Bob Hope show to the Johnny Caron to Jack Parr...to awards shows. We did the Emmys and the Oscars, the Grammys, we did it all."

Yes, he sure did do it all, even when sometimes he shouldn't have... "My instincts were saying, 'Don't do a big movie'," Frank explains as the subject of Stepford Wives inevitably occurs. "I had a very strong viewpoint to do the movie, but I didn't expect such huge stars. When the stars came, everything kind of ballooned up. My original instincts were to make it more intimate. The problem was that it got so big that my instincts to make a small movie didn't mesh with how big it was getting, and I was losing my way a little bit... I should have brought it all down and said, I'm sorry, I know we have all these huge stars but I don't care, I want to do something intimate."

Which brings us right back to the present.

Death at a Funeral is released on the 17th August, directed by Frank Oz, and starring Alan Tudyk and Peter Dinklage. "I laughed out loud and I was touched by it," Frank says of the movie script, as he went on to discuss comedy in general. "The thing about comedy is that people think of comedy as only one thing. You can have high wit; you can have low buffoonery; you can have puns or physical comedy....The only thing that is a mainstay in my opinion...is my being honest to the world in which we are creating. "

And of course, no interview worth his salt (and your salt is being trucked to you by over-night delivery, Capone, dear) can go by without asking the all-important question: "What was it about the relationship between Kermit and Ms. Piggy that people seemed to cling to and identify with?"

"There's some sort of recognizable affectionate tension in any relationship," Frank tells us. "I think the complexity of the pushes and pulls in any relationship, in part, is what people saw. But the truth is, I don't know. People saw themselves in them."

There's more about Frank, there's more about Death at a Funeral, Sesame Street, Star Wars conventions and Grover in this in-depth article at Ain't It Cool News, until then, let's just remember that when a person, or persons, still see themselves within the complex relationship of Pig and Frog...there is something going right with the world.

Miss PIggy is big, blonde and beautiful on late night TV!

Yes, the diva has it, and she's not afraid to show it off! With the season two Muppet Show DVD set officially released to the slobbering population of muppet geek---er, fans, we're all aglow here at Swinehearts, dreaming of getting those DVDs into our eager hands. In the meantime, Piggy, Gonzo and Rizzo have all been seen in TV land (Note: Not TVLand) promoting the release, and causing general glee (Note: Not General Lee).

In the first appearance that we've witnessed, the fabulous Miss Piggy paid an extremely friendly visit to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" last Wednesday night... or very early Thursday morning if you're inclined to split hairs. Now, this is just one person's humble opinion, but that was perhaps the best interview with Miss Piggy, and perhaps any muppet in years. She was glorious; she was gorgeous; she was witty and charming. She played to adults. Miss Piggy has never been on Sesame Street, and it shows. Barring muttered comments from a disgruntled frog, who has asked to remain nameless, we haven't heard much negativity about Piggy's flirtatious behaviour or Eric's performance.

I speak for myself, and surely for others when I say that Piggy's natural blonde beauty is simply breathtaking, head and shoulders (Note: Not Head and Shoulders) above the ditzy platinum look she's been sporting lately. I don't often criticize Piggy's looks... unlike Kermit, I don't like being chased and tackled by a lady pig, but looking back at the movies of the past, the sweet golden blonde that is almost certainly Piggy's natural hair colour is so much more appealing than the blatantly false (or faux, as Piggy would say) plastic platinum.

I can't be alone in thinking that she doesn't need anything else making her unlifelike? After all, even Craigy himself stumbled into a landmine when he distinguished between a live audience and a muppet audience. (Don't panic. Piggy set him straight... before leaving him bent...over.)

For your Piggy viewing pleasure....(Kermit, don't point that scrunchy face this way!), we present to you the interview in its entirety, so that you too may bask in the radiance of the one, the only, Ms. Miss Piggy!

The first time it happened, we knew! TMS Season One, Episode 1

A frog.

A pig.

Oh, and I think there were some other people there too.

Yes, you guessed it, I'm referring to the very first episode of the Muppet Show, when Juliet Prowse danced with willd, savage gazelles, Fozzie started a glorious career of telling the jokes that still bring tears to your eyes today, and Piggy demonstrated amply (don't give her my address, would ya?) that, ala Oscar Wilde, she can resist anything except temptation.

Naturally, Kermit doesn't know what hit him.

Swinehearts' ushy gushy rating for this episode: Ten full body tackle serenades out of ten!

Our rating for overall quality of this episode: Eight mahna mahnas out of ten "do doo do do do's"

Warning: Contents may have settled during posting. Your opinion may vary. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading the US tax code. Brush thrice a day. Call your mother, it's been forever.

Stay tuned for the next episode, when Kermit figures out exactly what hit him... and tries to figure out how to get it to happen again!

Psst...Pass it on...

In 2003, a wide smile and two saturn eyes gazed down from a billboard onto the people of America, and told them to live their dreams. He had been put up there by the kind people at The Foundation for a Better Life (a non-profit, privately funded institution) who wanted to promote the personal values shared by our amphibious leader and to remind the world that anything can happen. After all, if a Hollywood star can eat flies...is there anything we cannot do?

More Musique

In 1993, The Muppets had a party on the beach, setting claim to the warm sand with a fence of surf-boards, laying out mats, lighting the barbecue (and the Chef, but that was later), and spreading copious amounts of suntan lotion about hither and thither.

This was The Muppet Beach Party, a CD officially released by BMG Kidz and Jim Henson Records in 1993, and unofficially featured at Muppet Musique where it is currently available for download.

Among the fun, if somewhat funky, tracks are many which capture the imagination (Yes, I'm looking at you Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini) and inspire the heart, as well as many hip beat tracks that force one out of the easy chair and onto the somewhat 60's disco dance floors.

Here is our favorite frog singing our favorite track, Kokomo. What more could you ask for on a long, cool, root-beer sipping evening?




You can find these tracks, and more, at Muppet Musique.

Gonzo and Miss Piggy? -- "Yuckaa!" Pig says.

From the earliest days of The Muppet Show, a certain pig had a certain crush on a certain frog, and a certain weirdo had an somewhat more uncertain crush on said same pig. Sending her flowers, writing her sonnets, hiding in her dressing room...could Miss Piggy have asked for a more perfect suitor than Gonzo the Great (aka, The Great Gonzo)???

Psst, the correct answer is 'YES!'

Yes, she could ask for a green, flippered, goggle-eyed suitor who had her swept off her feet from the moment she first laid eyes (and gloves) upon him. But what became of her original suitor...*ahem*...stalker, Gonzo? Well, he met a perfect chicken, and Piggy was history. Here is a secretly recorded clip from Miss Piggy's dressing room the day that Gonzo decided to, er, break up with her, and she decided to, er, break him up.

A leap into "Before You Leap"...

"...it's time to look inside yourself. I'm not talking about opening your mouth and saying "ahh" or craning your neck to peer deep into your ear, fun though that may be. I'm talking about the inner you, or, as we call it around the swamp, your inner tadpole."

In 2006, Kermit released a fun, green book of memoirs and wisdom. Dedicated to Jim Henson, "...who first held me up for the world to see...", the book Before You Leap is a frog's eye view of life's greatest lessons, edited and typed by Jim Lewis. The book leaps (before you do) from topic to topic, delving into the subjects of love, life, and lillypads. About midway (just after adulthood and before life crisis) Kermit pauses to discuss getting in touch with your inner tadpole. Here's a selection taken from there.

"What is your inner tadpole? There are many different definitions. Some call it your soul or spirit. Others call it your conscience. Others call it that annoying little voice that tells you to laugh even though the last joke that Fozzie told was really not at all funny. Whatever you decide to call it, your inner tadpole is what guides you through the calm streams and raging rapids of life. It is what keeps you afloat at low tide and goes skinny-dipping with you at high tide. It is the essence of you.

"Why would you want to get back in touch with your inner tadpole? There are three simple reasons:
1. You want to make the most of every day.
2. You want to have someone to talk to when no one else is around.
3. You want to have someone to talk to after you get picked up for talking around talking to yourself.

"Let's start by opening a line of conversation with your inner tadpole. This is as easy as having a conversation with a friend. Just say, "Hello, inner tadpole, are you there?" and wait for an answer:
If you get no answer, wait and ask again.
If you get voicemail, press "3" followed by the pound sign (#) to leave a message.
If you still get no answer after several tries, try text messaging.
If all else fails, the network may be busy, so call back later.
If you get an answer but don't recognise the voice, chances are that your inner tadpole has outsourced its services to a country with a better cost-per-call ratio.
If, however, you hear a little voice inside respond, "Yeah, what is it?" then congratulations, you've reconnected with your inner tadpole."

To read more of Kermit's advice, such as how to get comfortable ("Put on the fuzzy bunny slippers. Heck, get crazy and make some hot cocoa."), the definition of love ("...the most overwhelming feeling in the world."), and what best to eat for lunch ("Never eat anything that could eat you for dinner."), then head out to the Amazon (dot.com), put on those bunny slippers and settle down with your own copy of Before You Leap.

Bake moi a cake called 'Love'

This delicious recipe is cooked up from a little book known as "In the Kitchen With Miss Piggy -- Fabulous Recipes from My Famous Celebrity Friends" (It's possible that this book and "It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie" were in competition for the longest title of a Muppet related product.)

Kermit's Favorite Grasshopper Pie

by Kermit

"Kermie, Kermie, Kermie -- my sweet little Kermie. There's no way I would ever eat anything called grasshopper pie." - Miss P.

For the Crust

1 1/2 cups crushed Oreos (about 16 cookies)

2 tablespoons melted butter

For the Filling

1/3 cup milk

1 package unflavored gelatin

1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk

1/3 creme de menthe

1/3 cup creme de cacao

1 1/4 cups heavy cream

Topping

1/2 cup heavy cream

chocolate curls or shavings

(pick the chocolate of your choice -- semisweet, bittersweet, or milk)

To make the crust:

In a small bowl, stir together the Oreos and butter. Press onto the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie dish. Refrigerate until ready to use.

To make the filling:

1. Put the milk into a small heatproof bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over it. Set aside for 5 minutes. In a medium-size bowl, whisk together the condensed milk, creme de menthe, and creme to cacao. Set aside.

2. Set the bowl of milk and gelatin over a small pan of boiling water or use a double boiler and stir gently until smooth, about 4 minutes. Whisk into the condensed milk mixture. Refrigerate the filling, stirring often, until it begins to set, 30-40 minutes. Whip the 1 1/4 cups cream until stiff and fold into the filling. Spoon into the pie crust and refrigerate for at least 2 hours.

To serve:

Whip the 1/2 cup cream and decorate the top of the pie. Sprinkle with chocolate curls.

"I prefer mine sprinkled with a dozen caramelized crickets." - K.F.

"Note: For a tasty dessert topping, fill fire extinguisher with whipped cream, aim hose as your favorite dessert (or frog), spray, and enjoy!" - Miss P.

A Little Night Musique

There is nothing on earth that tunes the mind to thoughts of love quite so simply as a little themed music, (well, hypnotism also works, but mainly on chickens).

Music defines the Muppets. 'Never Before' is that first definitive moment in which boy meets girl, pig meets frog, from The Muppet Movie, 'The First Time it Happens' spins The Great Muppet Caper into life, and 'Love Led Us Here' could capture the heart of even the sternest of Mon Capitaines in Muppet Treasure Island.

Here at Swinehearts, we have tracked down the definitive (there's that word again!) online collection of Muppet Music, a site aptly named Muppet Musique. At Musique, you can listen to songs from almost every Muppet production ever made, and can download them for your own computers.

Earlier today, we snagged a song from the site ourselves, and have included it here for your listening pleasure. Oh, and if you stare at the image of Miss Piggy below expecting it to change...chances are you'll be hypnotised as well. (Hey, Kermit was when he first caught that twinkle.)

Enjoy!

Where there are sparks, there's a blazing electrical storm...

Piggy turned to Kermit, and growled. "Kermie, why is there a weirdo taking my act?"

"Your act?" Kermit asked. "Since when was it your act?"

"Since I was so graciously asked to perform it on ‘American Idol’," Piggy said, pushing her hair back pompously.

Kermit frowned. "Piggy, you didn’t even sing, you just made a small appearance!"

"Don’t talk details with me, frog!" Piggy said. "I know what I did- and at least I was there."

Kermit shook his head. "It doesn’t matter Piggy," he said. "What matters is, this is not your number!"

"Yes it is!" Piggy countered, not as brilliantly as she had hoped.

"No, it is not!" Kermit fought right back.

"What are you saying?" Piggy glared down at the frog.

"I’m saying that you, Miss Piggy, are wrong!" Kermit shouted. "You’re always wrong!"

The Muppet Theater grew deathly silent. Everyone looked at each other. Piggy stood, staring, mouth agape at Kermit.

Ohhhh, boy.

Well, we all of us know, that things between the frog and the pig may not always be moonlight serenades and rock bottom cheap muskatelle, but they ARE always interesting. In this excerpt from theprawncracker's latest fast paced, quick witted fanfiction, "Men are Pigs," the romantic tension between the frog and pig, not to mention every other established couple, snaps like a piano wire. In other words.... duck! But don't miss this story, still in progress at MC.

Update: This story has now been completed.

And now for a little moonlighting...

Kermit kept playing as she talked. For once, he didn’t mind at all that she was complaining. He listened to her, and occasionally nodded or made an off hand comment about something he would take care of when he got back. But all the while, a swirl of other thoughts danced through his mind.

“...But he still can’t get that light fixed, Kermie. Moi do not know what he has been doing up there, but it obviously isn’t helping at all. He can’t possibly be doing anything to help Rowlfie and Scooter, because he just spends every day up there tinkering with some wires or something. That’s all he ever does, Kermie...”

He glanced at her. Was it the moonlight? The way it played across her face through the branches, illuminating her face in perhaps just the right way... But no, that wasn’t it. Was it her clothes? He kept playing.

“...And Kermie, you wouldn’t believe how terrible it smelled! But Rizzo was crazy enough to eat it, as usual, and you can’t even tell now...”

He glanced at her. Was it the swamp? The grass and the branches of a few trees behind her seemed to somehow frame her face in perhaps just the right way... But no, that wasn’t it. Was it the stars? He kept playing.

“...So he went all the way to the other side of town just to buy this silly paintbrush, and then he realized that he didn’t even have the right paint. So he went all the way back...”

He glanced at her. Was it just how tired he was? No, that wasn’t it. Planetary alignment, perhaps?

Perhaps, Kermit, perhaps not. The preceeding is a segment from TogetherAgain's wonderfully poignant story, "Swamp Call," in which Kermit is called back to the swamp to be with his frog family during a very difficult time, and his Muppet family must struggle together to cope with their beloved leader's absence, as well as finding a way to support him. Swamps, sisters, banjos and clumps, "Swamp Call" has much to draw in the ushy gushy loving reader, and is well worth a little quiet reflection under the stars, and near your own favorite, muddy pond.

Never Before...one more time now!

Before The Muppet Movie was unleashed upon cinemas, the Muppets themselves gathered in Coconut Grove, Hollywood, for a small, private party -- in other words, a huge celebrity bash hosted by Dick van Dyke and Rita Moreno, featuring a plethora guests ranging from Christopher Reeve and LeVar Burton to Vincent Price and Liberace. This was The Muppets Go Hollywood, a one-hour tv special which aired on CBS in 1979.

Within the program for this glamerous promo party, Johnny Mathis joined Rowlf at the piano to croon his rendition of Never Before, Never Again, as Kermit and Piggy gaze on from a nearby table-for-two.

How I Caught My Frog

By Miss Piggy (transcriped from the Miss Piggy Calander, 1981)





Rana Kermitta, the common frog -- though only a booknosed biologist would consider this magnificent specmen common -- is as smart a critter as he is handsome, and if you want to lasso this baby, you've go to be just as quick on the uptake as he is.

I chose the location of my stand with a great deal of care -- a stone ledge on the end of a small swamp with a good field of view. I picked the time right, too -- full moon on a hot summer night.

As I bid adieu to my Seminole guide, he apprised my arrangements with an approving nod. "You gonna get your hands on something green tonight, missy, for sure," he remarked. "I ought to," I said impishly, remembering his hefty fee for showing me that special swamp of his. "I certainly put enough of something green in yours."

It might surprise veteran hunters, but I had placed myself upwind of my prey, not downwind, counting on the evening breeze to carry a few wiffs of the powerful frog-attracting scent I'd packed in my London Bog swamp jacket. I put a dab of two behind each eat, set out my lure, and settled down to wait.

Tonight the bait I'd opted for was a single-dip soft-vanilla sugar come with a solitary cherry -- the Old Reliable. I've used heavier stuff -- tripple scoops, exotic toppings, mixed flavors -- but I've found that for hooking their interest on that all-important first look, you can't beat the cool, white flash of creamy vanilla. And let me tell you, if you don't get your frog interested fast, you don't get a second chance.

A soft rustle in the eel grass told me my quarry was approaching. I could feel my heart pounding as I saw in the glare of my Marsh Master 12-volt lantern a pair of olive mitts closing on my lure. Slowly, I raised my net and poised myself to lunge. Closer and closer he came. It took all my concentration to keep that cone steady and not spook him with a sud-
(continued on page 57)


Editor's note...we could not find the continued clipping of that article, no matter how hard we searched through the drawers in Miss Piggy's wardrobe...

Hanker, hanker

"Have you been hankered at by a pig before?" Kermit asks in the first of a series of interviews transcripted by, and hosted at, the Toughpigs Community.

Well, as you know, here at Swinehearts we have a hankering of our own; namely, a hankering for anything related to the romance of a certain pig and a certain frog, and so we present That Magnificant Hankering, a series of transcripts at ToughPigs that range from Entertainment Tonight (1984) to Larry King Live (1993) and The 31st Emmy Awards (1978).

First up, a Strange Kind of Feeling, in which Kermit talks to David on Good Morning America about girlfriends, hankers, and little green footballs.

Moving right along, My Secret Love, transcripted from Bob Hope's Birthday Special (1978) in which Piggy has a song she wishes to sing into Bob's eyes...but Bob is nowhere to be seen, so a pair of cute, ping-pong-ball eyes will just have to work as a stand-in.

"Be Bob Hope," Piggy insists.
"There is no way I could be Bob Hope!" Kermit reponds, worried.
"Kermit! Kermit!"
"What?"
"Do it because I love you."
"No."
"Do it because I need you."
"No!"
"Do it or I'll cut ya in half!"

Moving swiftly on...The Love Life of Frogs, in which Piggy announces, "Kermit...we are engaged.", Kermit tries to hunt for Piggy's tail, and Gonzo introduces his chicken girlfriend Camilla.

And if that wasn't enough, next we have Not a Rules Girl in which Kermit reads the rules for the 1979 Emmy Awards, and Piggy flounces for a close-up as she tells the frog to, "...get your flippers off my hips."

And there's even more romance coming, stay tuned to Swinehearts for detail on the next four interview transcripts from ToughPigs.com

Photo gallery

Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then prop your flippers on a pillow and we'll take a look back over the (rose scented!) romance scrapbook (handmade paper, too, so keep your fingerprints to yourself, buster!).

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog recreate one of Hollywood’s hottest couples, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony. "The best part about the shoot was all the jewelry that I get to keep," said Miss Piggy, but it was her director and on-screen lover, Kermit the Frog who answered our next question. "Oh—that’s easy. The hardest part was peeling all those grapes."

"Oh Kermie! Look! Look! It’s just like I always dreamed! What a beautiful room! What a beautiful—Kermie? Kermie! You’re not looking!"

"Wow, Miss Piggy. You look very, um, nice tonight."
"Thank vous, Mon Capitan." *Sigh* "You have the most adorable ping-pong eyes…."

"C’mere you! I’ve been waiting the whole movie to kiss the bride!"
"Oooh! Look, Kermie! Photographers!"
"Piggy!"

"I’m ready for my closeup, Kermie."
"Okay, work it Honey! That’s right! Put your foot a little further back, purse those puckery lips and say "Truffles!"

Piggy: "Oh, save me, Kermie, um, Flash! Save me, oh save me oh—say! Do those cute little boots come in my size?"
Rizzo the Rat (as Ming the Merciless): "Darn—there goes the barbeque."

The media love Miss Piggy almost as much as the red carpet does, and she loves the media almost as much as she loves chocolate! Here, Kermit the Frog (behind top hat) and Miss Piggy part the crowd to get to their limo on Oscar night.


Business is booming when Miss Piggy is the cover story! Kermit the Frog (pictured between hat and scarf) minds a news stand on a blustery morning in Manhattan.

Miss Piggy delighted armed (and legged) servicemen when she parachuted right onto center stage in to the USO show. Her arrival was greeted with enthusiastic applause. Said Miss Piggy, "I was aiming for the mess hall."


Kermit and Frog and Miss Piggy share a quiet moment at Christmastime. No debates about red or green this Christmas!


"Forget Victoria's secret! We have an exclusive look inside the inner sanctum of one of Hollywood's hottest leading women! Our cover story: What inspired a pig to get into movies?"


The new look for spring is bold! Daring! And covered in cute little frogs!

Kermit and Miss Piggy pose for photographers after their wedding.

Said Mr. the Frog, "That went better than expected." Said Mrs. the Frog, er, Miss Piggy, "This is the happiest day of his life!"

Stepping out with a star, sad times bye-bye! Kermit and Frog and Miss Piggy trip the light fantastic in this Broadway number, while the chorus line of rats just tries not to trip. Said Miss Piggy, "Who invited these bozos into our big number?"

A message from our sponsor

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